A Taste of the SAHM Life: Pros/Cons from a Working Mom's Eyes

Now that I am back to work, I wanted to take a moment to reflect on my recent maternity leave. This time off from work not only gave me the special and necessary time to be with my newborn son, it also gave me the opportunity to experience life as a Stay At Home Mom. This can best be summed up in a Pros/Cons list of being a SAHM from my perspective. Interesting enough, many of the Pros are also Cons!

Pros:

• Not getting ready for work in the morning – Many mornings we would be playing in the driveway out in front of our house (on a relatively busy street). As I watched many people drive by rushing to get to work on time, I felt happy to be hanging out in my sweatpants just enjoying the morning with my kids and not rushing around to get kids dropped off and get to work on time.
• Being with my kids all the time – Getting to experience all those special moments throughout the day is so priceless. Whether it’s building a new train track route with my 3 yr old while the baby sleeps, or having a “cooing” session with my baby -- these are the moments that make being a mother the best in the world! :)  
• Teaching my kids new things – Watching my 3 year old’s face light up when he masters a new puzzle that I just taught him is also priceless. I love introducing new things to my kids and watching them learn and grow – that also helps me grow as a mother.
• Spending time with my SAHM friends – As is the premise of this blog, my best friend Beth is a SAHM and we don’t get to see each other very much because of both of our busy and different schedules. During my leave, we were able to set up some “playdates” which helped the kids work out some energy and gave us the chance to also spend some nice time together.

Cons:

•  Not getting ready for work in the morning – Some of those mornings, as I watched people driving by all dressed up for work and sipping coffee alone in their cars, I was a little jealous of them.
• Being with my kids all the time – Although I love my kids with ALL my heart and soul, I do enjoy having a little time to myself when I can. Even if it’s just to run an errand. Going to work gives me the opportunity to have some alone time to my own thoughts in the car on the way to/from work. And even the chance to run into Target (alone!!) on my lunch break. (And Lord knows I spend enough at Target on my own without the need to buy additional snacks or toys to keep my son happy during a shopping trip!).
• Teaching my kids new things – As much as I think I am a good mother to my kids, I am not naive enough to think that I know everything they need to learn. I love that they also get to learn from our babysitter whose kids are older and who has a lot more experience and creativity than I do!
• Missing my working life – As much as I love my role as a mom, I also love my role as a working woman. As I have stated before, I am not someone who hates my job. I enjoy what I do and feel like it is part of what makes me, me. It also connects me to other things going on in the world. When I was home, I was completely out of the loop in terms of world news, politics, etc. (wait, maybe this should go on the “Pros” list! Ha!). But, it was hard to feel like a part of society having no idea what in the world is going on outside of our four walls.
• Resenting husband – As a SAHM, I found myself watching the clock every day at 5pm waiting for Daddy to come home to hand off the kids so I could finally take that shower I had been wishing to take all day. I was jealous and even resentful of him that he “got” to go to work all day, converse with adults, and come home to just play with the kids and be the “fun” one. Meanwhile, I was the one trying to meet everyone’s needs all day, while also feeding, grooming, cleaning, teaching, and disciplining. It was exhausting and also somewhat strained our relationship. Feeling like we are true equal partners in parenting by both working and having relatively equal time with the kids seems to make our relationship better too.
• Missing that extra income – My maternity leave was only partially paid, so my husband and I also got to experience life without my full portion of our income. Although we were able to get by, let’s just say that we had to tighten the purse strings a bit. It was not easy!

All in all, I would say that my recent taste of the SAHM life has left me with two thoughts: 1) I respect SAHM’s very much – their job is not easy by any means and 2) I’m still overall happy with my decision to be a working mom. I do admit that I feel like I have the best of both worlds though – I am working from home a couple days per week (with a sitter), which does help me also have some of the SAHM “Pros” on my list!

- Michelle

Guest Blog #1: Career-Mom Balancing Act

In response to our call for "Guest Bloggers," our friend Nancy submitted this awesome blog about her most recent experiences and reflections as a working mom.  Enjoy!  And as always, we would love to hear your comments/thoughts/questions!

I'm a career mom with ambitions to do "everything" - I don't even know where to begin with this topic. I guess I'll start with the part that I've known my husband for 13 years and up until this year when his cousin graduated from medical school and started residency, I was the ONLY working woman in their family, 4 generations of us females, who had a career. Go cousin, for upping the quota with me in the family! I bring this up because it would be a little disingenuous to pretend this doesn't add a little more pressure to be a "good mom".


So I thought it would be a great idea to take my husband's 89 year old grandmother to a movie last Sunday to answer her frequent question of "how do you do it?". I wanted to spend some time with her and also take her out for her birthday - Except that when I checked to confirm our plans and movie times that very movie with that title was in the theater for 2 weeks and didn't last long. I'm hoping it was just a terrible movie and not that there were so few who could relate! I suppose I'll just revert back to my standard answer of "i just do it."

I am a mom who also doesn't hate working. I find myself in a euphoric rush one minute flying to 4 cities in 2 days for my travel-heavy work life. And in the next minute bummed when I say goodnight over skype and give virtual hugs to my 3 year old twin girls. (Except that they really hug the Mac and I'm afraid our facetime will soon be hindered with an overhugged home computer). But I do love what I do and I do love being a mom more. Doesn't sound possible, but I swear, I love being a mom more than I love my job - even if some may think that actions don't speak louder than words. I swear I'm a bit naive too because I never, ever believed that having a family would slow down my productivity. My old work colleague used to say to me jokingly, "you're never going to be the same when you have a family". Five years ago I used to tell him that was crazy. But he was right. It's not the same and i'll admit there are times that I wish i didn't have to shut down to rush to pick up the girls from daycare. But at the same time there are plenty of mornings i wake up and think - I wish I could just snuggle with my babies. Somehow the balance just happens --- but some stamina and a little overdrive...and a very good extended family network.

So i'll end my guest blog with the Women In Leadership event I went to last night. I will admit, I'm not a huge fan of such affiliations. At a former company we had a women in sales networking session every year. And there was one woman who was the speaker every year. Yep - because there were slim pickings of female executives to represent. But I always remember chuckling when every year her speech involved her life experiences --- yes, she climbed the ladder but she was never married, moved 2 dozen times for the company and never had a family. No offense, I wasn't inspired. So last night the keynote was a business line president for a major insurance company ---- when she introduced herself i saw the eyebrows raise around the room ---- then she said she has six children and the facial expressions changed to, "HOW COULD THAT BE?!" I do believe you can have it all --- with a little sacrifice all around --- call it my naivete again but I do. I don't however see it too often. I so badly wanted to raise my hand and ask, "Does your husband stay home?" I refrained because I'd like to keep going on thinking that she balances it all with a dual-working family. I guess I'll never know.

"Balancing Act"

There was an article in The Plain Dealer the other day called, "Balancing Act: Don't Know How Mom Does It? Moms Tell..." In it, Cindy Krischer Goodman interviews high-powered career women, who also happen to be moms, to find out how they juggled responsibilities. One interview in the article recapped a day in the life of one of these "supermoms":

"Last week, Mevs, a Haitian-American, found herself reviewing for a test with her youngest daughter in Miami in the morning, pitching one of her company's projects to a loan officer in Haiti in the afternoon and talking over a new development with her business partners in the evening."

WOW! The article went on to tell similar stories, and it really made me think about what a "supermom" life would be like...and to be honest, I am just not sure I'd be cut out for it. I had a small taste of what working moms deal with for one week this summer when I volunteered to be a camp counselor at our church's Vacation Bible School. OK-- some of you working moms might be laughing at my comparison of camp counselor to high-powered business woman-- but let me tell you, I was exhausted!!!! And it did give me a bit of insight into how working moms feel. The sheer panic of getting myself and two kids dressed and ready for the day on time at the crack of dawn, the utter mess my house was in when we walked out the door in the morning, the exhaustion I felt when we came back home to that same messy house-- for that week, NOTHING got done!!  I was emotionally and physically drained-- much too drained to prepare a healthy dinner, clean up the house, sort the laundry, or do anything else that needed attention at home. Granted, this might just be my personality, and I was 16 wks pregnant at the time, but still, it gave me some perspective. How I admire the moms who do this every day!!! I know people do what they need to do, but given the choice, would I choose it?? I still watch the women heading to work, looking all together and polished, with a concrete purpose for the day, and feel a tiny bit envious-- you "supermoms" make it look so easy! But having had a taste (a very small taste, but still!), I would be afraid my mind would be too scattered, my body too exhausted to get everything done that needed to be.  Again, a big part of it could be my personality, and perhaps I am just too used to staying home at this point...but my hat goes off to all the women who pull everything together and get it done-- I am impressed!!

And I truly wonder: How DO you do it??!!!

Finding the Best Childcare Solution

As a working mom, one of the most frequently asked questions that I get is: “who takes care of your kids while you are at work?” And no doubt, for all working moms, finding childcare that is suitable for us and our children is certainly one of the biggest challenges for us to overcome. The guilt that comes with being away from our children can only partially be replaced with at least a feeling of comfort that our children are in good hands with someone who will care for them, love them, and even teach them things that perhaps we can’t. At the same time, it is important to find a solution that is affordable and also works with our schedules and logistics of getting to work, etc. Lining all of these objectives up, however, can be quite the challenge!

As I prepare to head back to work full-time following maternity leave and with now two kids at home, this issue continues to thrive in my brain. In theory, it seems easier for me and my schedule to find a good nanny to come to my house every day. But, with a very active almost 3 yo, I also feel like it is also good for him to be able to get out and play in a different environment on a regular basis.

Since he was a newborn, my 2.5 yo Jimmy has had a little of both scenarios. A couple days per week he goes to daycare at the home of our babysitter Lisa who watches a couple other kids as well. It is here that I feel he has benefitted so much from his daily interaction with other kids his age. He has developed friendships and social skills that I’m not sure I could have taught him on my own. Lisa, an experienced nanny and mom herself, has also provided a good learning environment and taught him things through play that I definitely know I couldn’t have done myself. She has even taught me things to do at home with him!

For the other days each week, we have had a babysitter at our home. I think those days are also nice for Jimmy (and now my newborn John) to just be in the comforts of home - not to mention more convenient to not have to get them ready and out the door with me. We have been fortunate to find college students for this role, one of which is now going to be our full-time sitter 3 days per week. These girls have been so great with Jimmy and he seems to enjoy playing with them just as much. So much so, that I rarely have to sneak out the door anymore and he will actually sit in the window with them when I leave and wave “bye bye.” I feel like he has learned to be comfortable with me or my husband leaving because he knows we will be back and this is important in his development too.

I feel fortunate to have found a good childcare balance for my specific situation for now. Just like everything else though, the potential of things changing is always a possibility. What if one or both of my babysitters decided to quit (fingers crossed this doesn’t happen anytime soon!) – then what would I do? What will I do once Jimmy starts preschool next fall? Will my newborn thrive the same way Jimmy has in this setup? Oy! I think I could drive myself crazy with all the “what ifs!” I have to continue to remind myself to just take everything as it comes – it has worked out for me thus far.

So I am curious – what do other working moms out there do for childcare? I am always interested in hearing other situations and opinions on what has worked well – or not - for others.

And also – do any SAHM’s have any thoughts on this? What would you do for childcare if you decided to go back to work?

- Michelle

Back to Reality

Well, I feel we have to apologize again to our followers for a lack of activity over the past couple months, but as Beth mentioned last week, it’s been a VERY busy summer! I’m sure everyone can relate. Speaking of followers though, it was heartening to get some new followers recently even when we weren’t posting! We promise now to get back on it. I think I can speak for both of us when I say we need this “blog therapy” and to hear from other moms too so we can all stay sane!

As Beth also mentioned, my family dynamic has changed a bit as I added another son, John, to the mix in July! Being on maternity leave for 12 weeks and experiencing a taste of the SAHM life has definitely given me some new perspectives on things. To say the working mom “dilemma” has increased for me is an understatement! On one hand, I have loved being at home with my now two children, experiencing life through their eyes, and just being “mommy.” On the other, I am a little anxious/excited to get back to work – using my “adult brain” for problem solving and working on important client projects.

At any rate, it is Back to Reality for me very soon so for now I am going to have to just figure out how to re-configure my juggling act times two! I have 1.5 weeks until I go back to work full time and am on a mission to get organized the best I can by then in order to keep things running smoothly. It should be very interesting and I can already forsee many blog topics to come!

By the way, I am reading the book “I Don’t Know How She Does It” right now and LOVING it! I wanted to read it before I saw the movie. Beth and I plan to go see the movie soon too. It will be interesting to see what each of us take away from it. Stay tuned!!

- Michelle

Thoughts on a busy summer...

So summer is over, and I never thought it could be so busy with just two kids under five! From swimming lessons every day, to Vacation Bible School, to family vacations, to potty training my 2yo, to preparations for a family wedding we were all in-- PHEW-- I was ready for fall! But there were so many moments when I thought to myself, "this is a great experience to write about..." so I am excited to buckle down this fall and add some new topics to the blog. And if I thought my summer was busy and filled with new experiences as a mom, I know Michelle will have me beat-- she gave birth to her second beautiful baby boy in July! So from going from one child to two, to having the "SAHM experience" during her 3 month maternity leave, I know she'll have some great new perspectives to add to our discussion as well.

We hope your summer was fun-filled, and we look forward to hearing your thoughts and perspectives on some of the topics we'll write about this fall-- Happy blogging!

Calling for Guest Bloggers!

Thanks again to everyone for following, reading, and commenting on The Mommy Gap to date! We love all the comments and discussions that have been generated so far and look forward to much, much more!

With that in mind, we have had numerous conversations with other moms who also have great stories to share about their perspectives on being a working mom or a stay at home mom (or a little of both!). We would like to invite anyone who would like to share their thoughts on these topics to write a Guest Blog for The Mommy Gap. If interested, please email your blog to us at: themommygap@gmail.com.

We look forward to reading your personal stories, insights, and perspectives – and sharing these with other moms on The Mommy Gap!

Thanks!

- Michelle & Beth